last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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