I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
