i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
