i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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