I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
zippers are such a cool invention
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Randomize
