allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
