when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Randomize
