Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
