Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I love having hate sex.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
