and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
