i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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