I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.