I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
