And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
