I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
