My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
