So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize