Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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