can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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