Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
