we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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