the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
