Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
