I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize