I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
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God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
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Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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