Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
this hospital has no fireball
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
