I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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