you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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