Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
