well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
