You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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