just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize