i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
