Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
cat food counts as protein by the way
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
