I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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