I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
