Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
