Moan for me like Helen Keller
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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