Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
