ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
