Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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