What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
