I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
