I smell stomach acid.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
