i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
