man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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