The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just gift wrapped bread.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
