he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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