this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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