omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
