guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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