so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
