I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
