My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Randomize
