i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
