What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
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the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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