Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
