Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
