Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
