No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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