hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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