Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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